Do you look like you take care of yourself?
Why I’m fed up with up that phrase....and the hidden bias it really conceals.
There are a whole host of cringe-inducing phrases that appear with alarming abundance on dating profiles. A common offender is ‘I’m looking for somebody who doesn't take themselves too seriously,’ which could either mean they’re looking for somebody jovial, or maybe somebody without any plausible depth. Another popular one is ‘please be interesting,' which exhorts a suitor to be engaging, but also suggests its author is so dull they need somebody else to supply any form of discernible personality.
Sure, these are awful, patronising, snidey and red flag-worthy in themselves (especially when somebody writes the hideous line; ‘You’d better look like your profile pics, or you’re buying the drinks until you do.’) But for this week’s column there’s just one of these grim nuggets I want to hone in on. One that I think hides a multitude of assumptions and biases about appearance. That phrase is: “I’m looking for someone who takes care of themselves.’
I’ve seen those last four words on multiple dating app profiles and heard it delivered verbally on reality TV shows too. Just this week a Married At First Sight UK contestant (hey, I didn’t promise this column would be highbrow) offered up that part of his dating criteria was ‘somebody who takes care of themselves’ and he got what he wanted; which was somebody who went to the gym every day. Being a ‘gym bunny’ - grim phrase, apols - isn’t the issue here at all, workout all you like. It’s the words themselves that are the problem. They’re loaded with nuance, and totally conflate looking like you might work out -or essentially being thin - with a superior ability to care for yourself and a better health status.
In reality the criteria for somebody who ‘takes care of themselves’ could and should include so much more than it currently does; somebody who meditates perhaps, somebody who invests in therapy or maybe somebody with a sense of strong community in their lives (which is after all, the factor proven to make us happiest.) But in our society - one that elevates thinness as a beauty standard - appearing like you care for yourself has become completely synonymous with weight.
I wasn’t 100% sure there was anything in this theory that ‘taking care of yourself’ was a coded phrase for thinness - I’d actually parked it as a potential column idea. That was until I was chatting to somebody on a dating app recently, and actually became a victim of its cloaked meaning…
Tech bro: “Hey, thanks for the message. You’re really pretty and seem super interesting…but it’s not a match for me.”
Me, confused AF: “Ah ok - that’s kinda weird. What's the mismatch? And why message me if you’re not interested?”
Tech bro, in justification mode: “I just wanted to explain so you didn’t think I was rude. But yeah, I only date people who take care of themselves.”
Me, clocking what he’s inferring: “Oh right. So you mean you only date thin people?”
Tech bro, obviously affronted: “No it's not that, but I only date people who are healthy, and active.”
Me, furious: “Sounds like you only date people who look like they’re healthy and active - you can’t possibly know about my lifestyle without talking to me.”
Before I could tell him that I have a PT, or that I play tennis twice a week or point out the picture of me hiking in Yosemite, he unmatched me.
Modern dating is enough of a shit fest (especially as a minority) without having to deal with barely veiled fat shaming. I know I didn't need to be that pedantic, but the hidden bias in that phrase riled me up. Surely we know by now - with all of our ‘strong is the new skinny’ rhetoric (which is kinda thin-shaming and not good either) that there isn’t necessarily one way to ‘look’ healthy. You’d hope so right?
There’s several issues to unpick here, but what’s most important is that our cultural fear of fatness can directly impact people’s lives and health. If you’re plus sized or fat, chances are that at some point your doctor has made reference to it – in fact I’d put money on the likelihood that they have. Researchers at UCL investigated ‘weight stigma’ in over 3000 health professionals and found “extensive evidence [of] strong weight bias” in healthcare professionals, including doctors, nurses, dieticians, psychologists and even obesity specialists. The research found that many of these professionals believed ‘their patients are lazy, lack self-control, overindulge, are hostile, dishonest, have poor hygiene and do not follow guidance.” Wow, just wow.
That’s a lot to deduce just from somebody’s BMI (and don’t get me started on that topic or this will legit be a 2-hour read) but what’s truly appalling is how this bias is being left unchecked. In the US a woman in her 40s went to see a doctor complaining of shortness of breath; their answer was for her to go on a diet (because those work so well.) In reality the issue was that she had ‘life-threatening blood clots,’ and her health concerns were overlooked, and the cause blamed solely on weight.
Beyond dating apps and healthcare bias there are other serious ramifications to weight bias. Countless research has shown - like this US study from 2021 - that an increase of 10% in a woman's body mass decreases her income by 6%. Add in other factors that boost salaries for women, like being white, blonde, blue-eyed, married, groomed and conventionally attractive and this is indeed bleak. Being ‘conventionally attractive’ can give you a whole host of unearned benefits; namely that if you’re thin you’re seen as being ‘worth’ more. Just recently I met somebody who was asked her height and weight before she was taken on for a role as an ambassador for a luxury brand and a plus-size friend was once told she didn’t represent the wellness brand where she’d applied for a role. Another pal recalled that when she worked in a designer shop during university, they only made uniforms up to a size 10/12. Gain a few lbs and you were toast!
A 2021 study that surveyed 14,000 people across Australia, Canada, France, Germany, the UK and the US found that 58% had experienced weight stigma from their own colleagues. And this is, as you might guess, a problem that women face primarily; statistically men don’t suffer from the same size discrimination anywhere near as much. But what is true across the board, is that those who are subject to discrimination because of weight bias, suffer from increased levels of depression and poor self-esteem. And that’s not because they aren’t ‘taking care of themselves’ enough, it’s because of how they’re being treated by society.
Lack of self control and making poor choices is so often blamed for the obesity crisis when it’s far, far more complex than that. The charge is never laid at the various industries benefiting from diet culture, systemic oppression stifling economic mobility or those in charge being oblivious to the issues affecting real people's lives. Instead we’re judged by a set of moral assumptions that come with appearing like you ‘take care of yourself’ or like you don’t. In reality, neither of those judgements can or should be made on appearance alone.
PS: I’d really love to know your thoughts on this. Let me know below…
I think there's been so much brainwashing about body size that it's almost impossible not to be biased about our own bodies and others. The song Keep Young & Beautiful is a classic example with the lines 'It's your duty to be beautiful...if you want to be loved' I'm glad we're having conversations about this so hopefully the next generation will be more aware & not allow the brainwashing, however we are more visually bombarded than ever before with social media & 'reality' TV that we have so few REAL role models that don't hide behind make up, filters, false everything & plastic surgery.