"I couldn't help but wonder - why do women still fear getting older?..."
Rewatching Sex And The City shows how little has really changed when it comes to ageism, and beauty standards....
I’m rewatching Sex And The City from the start. You can insert your own opinion about that [HERE.]
Like so many TV shows and films that exist as milestones in popular culture, it’s emblematic of its era. I think that’s fine; it was the Nineties, we don’t need to ban everything that’s a bit out of date or remake them (Mean Girls, The Crow…I’m sorry, have we run out of ideas Hollywood?!) We can keep them as cultural relics to be enjoyed in their nostalgic context, and if anything, they serve as a reminder of how things ‘were’ and how much they desperately needed to change.
It’s also easy to forget - in our current culture of sex positivity - that SATC aired at a time when slut shaming was normal behaviour. The show rallied against what was seen as taboo; namely women having autonomy over their own bodies and sexual desires. Watching them grapple with this reminds you how things used to be. Likewise, the fat shaming in SATC is rampant, like it is in Friends or The Gilmore Girls too, because being called fat was the worst insult imaginable back then, something I remember so very well. When Samantha moves to LA and gains some weight, her friends see that as justification to stage an intervention (above.) But how joyful is it that seeing something like that on a modern-day TV show almost doesn’t make sense in our post body-positivity worlds. Critique around race also plagued the show; namely the lack of representation and the stereotyping - lest we forget that when Samantha dates Chivon in season 3 (which aired in 2000) she references his ‘big black cock’ in a way that makes you forcibly wince.
Rewatching the show has been reassuring in some ways – it’s vital to recognise how things have changed for the better, even if we wish they’d changed faster, or with more vigour. But what’s even more potent, is to see what hasn’t changed. What really struck me as I rewatch the show, is how aware and terrified they are of getting older. Watching it the first time I didn’t understand that panic; now at 40, I feel the same unease Carrie does in a club with ‘beautiful 20-somethings’ despite her only being in her early 30s. Perhaps that’s just a ‘passage of time’ thing that we all experience at some point, but it is terrifying how quickly you can be made to feel out of place and start fearing getting older.
A big part of that for me personally, has revolved around fashion; it is disconcerting and weird to see the trends you wore as a teen become cool again, and to find that there feels like there’s nothing aimed at you in the shops. But it’s also a reminder to hold on to your personal style through the ‘ins and outs’ of trends. In the series, narrator Carrie says that Samantha has been ‘35 for a while’ because to say 40, back then, was seen as irrelevant, unfashionable, unfuckable, unlovable and essentially useless in a patriarchal world where our beauty, and value lies in youth. Sure, that’s changed a little, but there’s still a huge lack of representation of women over the age of 40 on our TV screens, or in beauty ads. And if they are, that person is invariably, white, slim with long hair, often a former model of some kind - somebody who is still considered attractive to the male gaze.
That pressure to stay looking young eternally feels just as potent, or perhaps even worse now. There’s a scene where Samantha has Botox for the first time - which was starting to gain more mainstream popularity around that time. She asks the doctor about other procedures she could have one day, and he gets the red pen and marks up several areas on her body that he would suggest she fix as she got older. She turns and stares at herself in the mirror with horror; that look is a mix of ‘fuck you’ to the system but a feeling of surrender too; ‘this is what’s expected of me, and I have to abide.’
It’s a travesty that there’s been so much progress in so many ways, but this – ageism and the fear of ageing – is still a pressing issue for women, almost 30 years later. ‘Tweakments’ and cosmetic surgeries are so commonplace they’ve almost become intertwined with parts of the female experience of ageing; hit 30 and its Botox time, hit 40 and now do what you can to avoid visibly ageing at all costs, after 50 it’s the mini facelift. The techniques of cosmetic surgery have become so incredibly advanced that even pretty invasive work is now seemingly invisible (ahem, has anyone noticed how ‘fresh’ Brad Pitt is looking?) and yet, our mindsets on ageing have remained frozen in time.
There’s an episode where Miranda goes to get an abortion and panics about whether she should; she doesn’t want to end up ‘43, with only one ovary that functions’. Carrie asks her why 43 in particular, and Miranda replies that 43 is her ‘scary age’ - the age at which she feels old. Carrie’s is 45. Mine was even lower – 40 was my ‘scary age.’ Two months into it, I don’t feel as old as I thought I would years ago, and I’m not where I thought I’d be. Within myself I feel smarter than I did at 30, with better standards and less tolerance for bullshit; it’s everything around me – the people, the expectations, the industries that profit from us feeling old, all of it – that makes me feel like I’m old, none of that is intrinsic. (I also realise anyone over 40 reading this will find this intensely annoying to hear, as I do when people whine about turning 30…that too is something we all endure.)
Beauty standards haven’t moved with the times. Instead of giving us more grace, more acceptance and more freedom, youth has been exalted beyond belief. Sure, we now have more ‘ageing’ inspiration from women who are redefining what ageing looks like -take the impossible standards of J-Lo, or ‘graceful ageing’ like Helen Mirren, but there is still that ever-present worry of both ageing and looking our age. Back then you could at least turn off the TV or close a magazine to stop the anxiety-inducing spiral; now if you even mention anti-aging out loud, your phone is listening and serves you ‘helpful’ content to help you wind back the clock.
I know I don’t want to feel like this, like they did back then. But each generation has the women who do things differently, who redefine what we’re expected to do, and how we live our lives – so maybe part of the answer is finding them and surrounding ourselves with them (both IRL and URL.) And taking up the space we want and deserve to, whilst remembering that how quickly we’re made to feel like we’ve ‘lost our bloom’, isn’t because we’re old, ugly, or irrelevant – it’s because feeling like that makes us spend more money trying to fix it, and keeps us small and silent.
Let me know what you think….
Much love…
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One of the most nuanced articles I have read on ageing. Yes plenty wrong with SATC and what is interesting for me is that despite all the ways its been called out for the things you mention, many, even those for whom it did not include (woc) still seem to be subscribing to the "girl pack" and " beauty pack" ideas it was based on. I think people should do what they need to feel better but I can't help but thinking a good first option would be to tap in to one's authentic self and cultural heritage first when considering why they are aging the way they are. Different women from differing cultures age differently and the more we subscribe to the same treatments and end up looking the same in older age (ie looking and behaving like the SATC women), the less diversity there is to celebrate and embrace.
I’ve seen an influx of TikToks of women asking “how old do I look” and being sorely disappointed when people guess an age higher than what they are. My question is always “why are women asking this in the first place?” Your insights are so spot on here.