Am I hot enough for Miami?

After being there for week, I'm starting to think probably not...

If it’s on Reddit it must be true….

My first trip to Miami was on a family trip in the 90’s as a kid. I don’t remember much about it honestly, aside from the Hard Rock Cafe, a Miami celebrity homes cruise, and a tour guide who warned us; “Not to go out after 8pm.” I’d also seen Miami Vice; a show where two detectives fight street crime and embark on never ending drug raids in the city, so in summary, it both seemed and felt like Miami had an edge.

Miami seems to have changed a lot since then. Though the edge - of drugs and violence - is likely still there and just less visible - from a visitors standpoint, the Miami I visited last week felt unrecognisable. It was busy, expensive, flooded with Lamborghinis and rife with flashy hotels, beach clubs and bars. Talk about a makeover!

This is what comes up as stock image for Miami - and it’s pretty apt.

What also struck me about the new Miami was how so many of it’s inhabitants - particularly in the South Beach area - had a similar Miami ‘look.’ I find the beauty culture in different places fascinating and try - as best as I can (we’re all human) - to view them without judgement, from a curious anthropological lens. And in Miami the look du jour was a skin tight bodysuit or tiny gym kit, cosmetic surgery and injectables that often made the wearer look racially ambiguous, tanned skin, long straight hair and thin-but-curvy bodies.

I wondered if it was just me being hyper aware of appearance trends, but no, the Miami look seems to be a recognisable thing (see picture above, one of many discussions on Reddit.) One of the things I’ve loved about trips to the US is that there’s more body freedom and a variety of body types on show, compared to the UK and Europe. I remember as a teen feeling too self conscious to go to pool parties here, but in the US, nobody seemed to care as much; you could actually buy swimsuits in a multitude of sizes too, something that wasn’t so easy back in the UK.

Our hotel pool; made for content it seems…

The US has always felt like a bit of a body haven for me, but for the first time in years, I felt self conscious sat around the pool in our hotel - so much so I didn’t get in the water. I really chastised myself too; this is the stuff I rally against FFS, but after days of being in Miami, I did feel conscious of my body. It wasn’t one thing that ignited this body anxiety (although a group of influencers types in the pool taking pictures certainly didn’t help) it was rather a general vibe from what' I’d seen and experienced of Miami so far.

What had I expected from it, you might ask? Well, people had told me the culture and food was great because it’s such a melting pot of communities, and maybe that’s still true and I just didn’t find it, or look in the right places. But what I did notice — from the hotel we stayed in, through to people we encountered - was that it didn’t seem like a particularly jolly place. Nobody really wanted to small talk in the way they had a week before when were in Las Vegas, neither were they particularly helpful when asking for directions or help. Miami felt like a weird netherworld, complete with strict beauty standards, micro influencers dressed alike shooting content all around and thumping dance music at every turn.

That’s all fine - people have the right to be busy or self focussed - it’s a criticism often levelled at London (although I think it’s pretty friendly tbh.) But Miami reminded me of a trip to LA in the late noughties, where I asked a waitress to see the desert menu after a meal and to quote a Welsh friend with the best turn of phrase ever, said waitress looked at me ‘like I’d shat on her face.’ Her judgement was palpable: ‘We don’t have a pudding menu, but we may have some sorbet…somewhere?’ I declined, and drank twelve JD and cokes instead to hide my sweet-seeking shame.

Miami’s muscle beach….

My thoughts on sorbet aside (it’s the pointless, crap cousin of ice cream that nobody wanted or asked for), it was evident - right down to the dining culture - how thinness and overall appearance were a crucial part of the fabric of LA culture. And it seemed like Miami 2.0 was the newest incarnation, complete with stores full of tiny, flammable clothes. Like LA, wellness culture seems to be a huge part of Miami’s culture; the options are endless from beach yoga, Barrys Bootcamp the outdoor gyms of Muscle Beach (above) and there are runners galore. All of this is fine, but with the wellness obsession you’d think people would walk around brimming with endorphin-induced joy. Instead, I wondered how ‘well’ they really were; maybe living in a hub of superficiality takes it’s toll on your ability to do lols.

It’s clear Miami is not for me, and I am not for Miami. And I hate ruling out a city or place entirely, especially as a visitor who doesn’t know it well enough to outrightly condemn it - only locals should have that honour. Maybe it’s the influx of tech and crypto types that have moved to the locale that has ruined it, or that it’s become a holiday choice for those whose lives revolve solely around the ‘gram, or ‘tok. I might not be traditionally attractive enough by Miami’s beauty standards, but that’s ok; I’m pretty sure I’ll never be back.

Big love for you (but not for Miami…)

PS: If you’re from Miami or have a different opinion please do voice it - I’m very open to hearing it.

---

THE BEST OF MIAMI
It wasn’t all bad (just mostly.) But here’s what I did like…

Best nail salon - I did meet one glorious human in Miami who gave me the best emergency pedicure of my life to deal with my painful hard skin (gross, sorry if you’re eating). So if you are in Miami, definitely visit Zarina’s Beauty Bar. She’s a former attorney turned beautician and so friendly (she’s from California….)

Grits or hashies? Just get both.

Best snacks - We had breakfast at the very retro 11th Street Diner (above) three times it was that good. We also had the Rose brunch at The Setai which was $100 each, but included a bottle of champs or rose champs, and had a huge array of cuisines and snacks. Dinner at Miami Beach House was also excellent, and felt like a respite from the picture snappers as you can’t use cameras. Phew!

Best place - We did a day trip to Key West - which is a 3-4 hour bus ride away - which was our highlight. It’s an adorable historic town, with it’s own tram/trolley system. The scuba/snorkelling is pretty mediocre, but the town itself is lovely, lively (lots of bars), and a lot of fun.

Best spa - The Setai - it’s pricey, but I had an incredible lifting facial with Janet that was one of the best old school proper facials I’ve ever had. My skin was glowing

My phone is now 70% pictures of MiMo hotels.

Take pics of - the amazing art deco hotels and buildings are what Miami is known for. Take a walking tour with Rick at the Miami Preservation League to get the lowdown on the best ones. But also check out the MiMo or Miami Modern district which was my geeky highlight; who doesn’t love a mid century motel?