I am 51 in a week, and been really feeling the pressure to save up for fillers, and despairing at the bags under my eyes. I read this post this morning and cried.
This is JUST what I needed.
I will create my aging plan this weekend! And I've changed my mind about fillers. Thank you so much.
Age is a privilege denied to many. I am grateful for it. Thank you.
Ah this is amazing! I'm so glad it's helped, and I know I felt a lot better after making a plan - like the weight had been taken off me, and that I'd made a decision!
Such a brilliantly written piece and not something I’d thought about myself. But I think it’s an important topic as we live in such a society that bombards us with idealistic beauty standards that are mostly b*****ks!
Ah thank you and yes, it wasn't on my agenda either, but I really wanted to get ahead of it, in a way, because I know the pressures that are coming. Is it something you'd do? Or do you feel quite chilled about it? x
I think I’ll probably think about it a little more now, for sure. I also turn 40 next year but I definitely feel like I’ve subconsciously been easier on myself in recent years. Like, I will leave the house without make up on, or I’m not conscious enough to ensure I have shaved my legs before going for a swim. That kind of thing!
I know both of those things are more about aesthetics than aging, but it’s certainly been getting ‘older’ that’s made me let go of certain beauty standards, if you know what I mean!
Oh absolutely - I feel the same about those things too! That freedom from beauty standards is such a joy. That's why I want to step into it as much as I can!
Mobility becomes paramount. I know I’m a few decades ahead of you but absolutely everything else falls by the wayside. Brisk walks give the mind some space, the lungs some air, and a pick-me-up to the soul. Nonetheless, I wish I had read something like this in my 40s. Well done.
Ah thanks Christine - and yes, I totally get that this will become far less important. I'm actually terrible at taking myself for walks (in central london, everything is grey) but you're right, it does help clear the mind. Do you just walk or do you listen to podcasts etc?
My 72 year old aunt has been with us for the holiday. She’s a beautiful example of having an aging plan. She gets up every morning and does 30 minutes of stretching while listening to NPR. She’s engaged in the world and volunteers at Planned Parenthood.
She loves tennis and board games and does both a few times a week with a group of friends.
She does nothing vanity-wise (like I would not be surprised if she cuts her own hair and washes her face with Irish Spring:) but her curiosity and energy makes her stunning.
Hello! I'm 53 years young and loving my life! I've let me grey hair grow out and honestly, get more compliments on it now than I ever did when I colored it. I'm training for a 5K with some friends and have just finished the editorial process of my first book. My 50's have been awesome!!
You said you're turning 40 soon, right? My advice is to embrace it with open arms!! Life starts to get interesting in your 40's, trust me! So, make those travel plans, take care of your body and mind and nourish your soul.
I like 'aging plan' for a name, but what about 'my beautiful aging journey"? :) xx
Hi! This is beautifully written and I bristled with rage at Idiot Doctor Man.
Whilst I love the spirit of the post, if a plan is centred around ageing, then thoughts of ageing inevitably become a primary concern. Most women are on lifelong, dynamic journeys with their appearance. Things that we hold as either normal or unthinkable at 20 can vary dramatically at 30, 50, 70 and beyond. And even cycle back through again.
I'd encourage a simpler starting point of "What will make me smile at my reflection in the mirror?" That's really the primary goal, I think? And that will alter, over time. Sometimes (on bad days) from hour to hour. Most of what we see in the mirror reflects our inner monologue rather than our appearance. Make friends with that and there will be few 'wrong' choices.
All cosmetic choices, made consciously, are valid. From the choice to get *everything* (subject to affordability and finding a responsible, empathetic practitioner who provides realistic expectations and expert work) or to get nothing at all, and everything in between.
Women shouldn't be made to feel that they have to get work in order to be acknowledged as human beings. No woman should get work to conform to someone's else's opinion of how she should look. But an individual's choice to get conscious, informed work - if (and only if) it'll make you smile at your reflection - is as valid as the choice *not* to get work. There's no moral imperative here.
Thanks so much for a lovely, thought-provoking piece x
Yes I totally get what you're saying, i think the plan can have space for what you're suggesting too - but the reason I wanted to focus in on ageing was that for me, making those 'decisions' took it off my mental workload, and onto a piece of paper.
But love this idea of smiling at your reflection - definitely something to think about there! xx
I laughed out loud when you called your white eyebrow hair a little f*****. Love this whole post. I had an experience very simlar to this, but with a less happy ending. I do get filler every few years for a terrible facial scar from childhood. I do that because people will comment on it out loud when it's more apparent. When it dissapears, I don't have to think about it because I don't have to talk about it, and it frees up tons of mental space for me. (That's just my decision. I know others might make a different decision that's right for them, including refusing filler entirely). Once, when my lovely dermatologist was out of town, I went to a "medical spa," because I didn't understand exactly what that was, just that they could put some filler in my scar. The woman doing the filler was a monster. She refused to do filler in my scar, put me in front of a mirror and just generally tore down my appearance, point by point, to upsell me Botox, which I did not want and frankly did not need. I told her I was scared of it, and I didn't want to do it, and she continued to verbally lambast me. At the time, my husband (now ex, huzzah) was cheating on me and my confidence was close to zero. I was already feeling terrible, and my self-esteem was in the trash. So finally I caved. I don't whether it was her error with a needle hitting a vein, or if it was expired stuff, or it wasn't diluted properly - but I ended up with a case of iotrogenic botulism. The only reason I knew how to deal wiith it was I found a FB group online of other women who'd been poisoned by Botox or fillers, and they walked me through how to get better. I lost 12 lbs because I was too sick to eat, had painful (and embarassing) muscle spasms in my face, and that's just for starters. It took more than a year to get back to normal, though the poisoning permanently elevated my eye pressure (I searched medical literature and discovered that botulism toxin can, indeed, do this and that it's been documented). Posts like this help people to push back against this kind of emotional/physical abuse, and to build up what I lacked at the time - an emotional immune system and defenses against people that I feel are, frankly, kind of brainwashed. It is about the money, but reading your post, it occurs to me for the first time that it's also a sort of cult??
Honestly that eyebrow, I don't understand what it's doing and where it came from haha!
I'm so sorry that happened to you. How are you doing now? And I do think people take injectables way too lightly - it's why I HATE the term 'tweakment' it doesn't take into account the mental and health impacts you've spoken about.
There are definitely cult-like aspects to beauty standards; they're a method of control after all if we don't use them, they'll use us. Which is why i'm trying to get into the mindset of the former, and get ahead on things a bit.
Also hate how that woman treated you - did you complain? Or get your money back (at the VERY least.)
Eyebrows definitely have their own ideas about what they should be doing! They're little anarchists, for sure. : )
I hated that you had this happen to you, too, and was SO relieved you pushed back. Just that torrent of verbal abuse is something a person should not have to put up with. As for fillers - everyone is different, and a lot of people don't know if they are allergic to filler till they get it, and then end up really ill. "Tweakment," is an abomination of a word, yes. It makes it sound like it's medicinal or a "wellness" treatment.
As for that awful woman - I complained mightily. I reported them to the Better Business Bureau, filed an adverse reaction report with the FDA and with Allergan, and left the medspa a terrible review on Yelp. Which honestly had the most impact - it's still there, because they don't have the power to take it down. They were so angry, they emailed and called me for almost a year, trying to force me to remove it. I stood my ground. I wanted to let people know there might be consequences, and to at least think through the decision before they made it, rather than just blithely getting on the Botox-go-round.
I love your Substack! I'm so glad I found it. Thanks for the brilliant work you're doing.
Love this. I hope you stick with it 💪🏽 The thing is once one or both your parents start getting ill/dying, your friends start getting divorced/going through a mid life crisis and the menopause kicks in your face is the least of your worries. You realise what’s actually important in life and anyone or anything telling you you need to look younger can just do one!
I’m silently raging against that doctor and anyone who would behave in such a way towards you. I understand beauty is important to humans (anthropologically) but we pride ourselves on being so evolved in so many areas, yet we have not yet learned that it really isn’t that important. Anyone looked at what else is going on in the world!?
Your plan is fabulous and I’m going to do one. I thought turning 40 was the beginning of the inner revolution but it’s turned out that 45 has been eye-opening, even to me and I’m in my own head! I look in the mirror and I know I look older (& maybe just old!) but I just can’t move past my anger that we are all under so much pressure. Who are we trying to please?! Those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter as Dr Seuss so gloriously said.
I’ve started growing out the 20+ years of blonde tips to embrace the ‘ash’ and unicorn (silver) hairs (my word for them). I’m tired of the upkeep and I just don’t like to go to the hairdresser.
I’ve started doing yoga and am so much more flexible and mobile. I can’t wait until someone mentions I’ve ’let myself go’ because my blonde is gone but I bend over and plant my palms flat on the ground because I’m now so flexible!
I’m trying to embrace the deep lines in my forehead and around my eyes. I’m expressive and laugh a lot and they tell so much of my story.
Beautiful and informative piece , I can’t wait to read about your new plan , my name suggestion is The Golden Years 😊 inspired by the ladies I’ve been watching on the American dating show The Golden Bachelor. I really recommend the show , all the ladies are over 60 and are so incredible. It’s like no other reality show I’ve seen before because it’s just so much more authentic , at that age we no longer give a F**** and I look forward to that.
My brain was hurting with that Bella Hadid chart well because I didn’t understand it and maybe I just refuse to make an attempt at getting it. Something did come to my mind though, Bella did say in an interview that she wished she had not gotten a nose job at the age of 14 because she wished she had kept the nose of her ancestors. She did have regrets around it and it’s understandable, our noses are such a distinct part of our faces (they stand out) and they tell a story of where we come from. Holding that history is a special thing. Even thought with my nose , it’s a complicated emotion because I have the nose of our colonizers 😆😭 I am Colombian , and have mixed ancestry, but yeah that’s a topic for a future post of my.
I am saving this article to reference the beautiful journal prompts later , thank you for writing this !!
I love this - thank you for sharing, Anita
Ah thanks so much Helen. Glad it resonated, was just something I felt like I needed to do. <3
I am 51 in a week, and been really feeling the pressure to save up for fillers, and despairing at the bags under my eyes. I read this post this morning and cried.
This is JUST what I needed.
I will create my aging plan this weekend! And I've changed my mind about fillers. Thank you so much.
Age is a privilege denied to many. I am grateful for it. Thank you.
Ah this is amazing! I'm so glad it's helped, and I know I felt a lot better after making a plan - like the weight had been taken off me, and that I'd made a decision!
LOVE this ❤️
Ah thanks love - it's such a minefield out there!
Such a brilliantly written piece and not something I’d thought about myself. But I think it’s an important topic as we live in such a society that bombards us with idealistic beauty standards that are mostly b*****ks!
Ah thank you and yes, it wasn't on my agenda either, but I really wanted to get ahead of it, in a way, because I know the pressures that are coming. Is it something you'd do? Or do you feel quite chilled about it? x
I think I’ll probably think about it a little more now, for sure. I also turn 40 next year but I definitely feel like I’ve subconsciously been easier on myself in recent years. Like, I will leave the house without make up on, or I’m not conscious enough to ensure I have shaved my legs before going for a swim. That kind of thing!
I know both of those things are more about aesthetics than aging, but it’s certainly been getting ‘older’ that’s made me let go of certain beauty standards, if you know what I mean!
Oh absolutely - I feel the same about those things too! That freedom from beauty standards is such a joy. That's why I want to step into it as much as I can!
Absolutely! 💯
Mobility becomes paramount. I know I’m a few decades ahead of you but absolutely everything else falls by the wayside. Brisk walks give the mind some space, the lungs some air, and a pick-me-up to the soul. Nonetheless, I wish I had read something like this in my 40s. Well done.
Ah thanks Christine - and yes, I totally get that this will become far less important. I'm actually terrible at taking myself for walks (in central london, everything is grey) but you're right, it does help clear the mind. Do you just walk or do you listen to podcasts etc?
xx
My 72 year old aunt has been with us for the holiday. She’s a beautiful example of having an aging plan. She gets up every morning and does 30 minutes of stretching while listening to NPR. She’s engaged in the world and volunteers at Planned Parenthood.
She loves tennis and board games and does both a few times a week with a group of friends.
She does nothing vanity-wise (like I would not be surprised if she cuts her own hair and washes her face with Irish Spring:) but her curiosity and energy makes her stunning.
Oh I love this! She sounds incredible - and such a brilliant expander to have around you too. Has her approach inspired you?
It really is a person’s energy that makes them shine!
Hello! I'm 53 years young and loving my life! I've let me grey hair grow out and honestly, get more compliments on it now than I ever did when I colored it. I'm training for a 5K with some friends and have just finished the editorial process of my first book. My 50's have been awesome!!
You said you're turning 40 soon, right? My advice is to embrace it with open arms!! Life starts to get interesting in your 40's, trust me! So, make those travel plans, take care of your body and mind and nourish your soul.
I like 'aging plan' for a name, but what about 'my beautiful aging journey"? :) xx
Oh I LOVE this and hope that lots of others read your comment too. It's inspiring to see women making their own rules and having a great time!
Your advice is exactly what I'm planning to do with my december to try and clear my burnout!
And my beautiful ageing journey is MUCH better!
xx
Hi! This is beautifully written and I bristled with rage at Idiot Doctor Man.
Whilst I love the spirit of the post, if a plan is centred around ageing, then thoughts of ageing inevitably become a primary concern. Most women are on lifelong, dynamic journeys with their appearance. Things that we hold as either normal or unthinkable at 20 can vary dramatically at 30, 50, 70 and beyond. And even cycle back through again.
I'd encourage a simpler starting point of "What will make me smile at my reflection in the mirror?" That's really the primary goal, I think? And that will alter, over time. Sometimes (on bad days) from hour to hour. Most of what we see in the mirror reflects our inner monologue rather than our appearance. Make friends with that and there will be few 'wrong' choices.
All cosmetic choices, made consciously, are valid. From the choice to get *everything* (subject to affordability and finding a responsible, empathetic practitioner who provides realistic expectations and expert work) or to get nothing at all, and everything in between.
Women shouldn't be made to feel that they have to get work in order to be acknowledged as human beings. No woman should get work to conform to someone's else's opinion of how she should look. But an individual's choice to get conscious, informed work - if (and only if) it'll make you smile at your reflection - is as valid as the choice *not* to get work. There's no moral imperative here.
Thanks so much for a lovely, thought-provoking piece x
Yes I totally get what you're saying, i think the plan can have space for what you're suggesting too - but the reason I wanted to focus in on ageing was that for me, making those 'decisions' took it off my mental workload, and onto a piece of paper.
But love this idea of smiling at your reflection - definitely something to think about there! xx
I laughed out loud when you called your white eyebrow hair a little f*****. Love this whole post. I had an experience very simlar to this, but with a less happy ending. I do get filler every few years for a terrible facial scar from childhood. I do that because people will comment on it out loud when it's more apparent. When it dissapears, I don't have to think about it because I don't have to talk about it, and it frees up tons of mental space for me. (That's just my decision. I know others might make a different decision that's right for them, including refusing filler entirely). Once, when my lovely dermatologist was out of town, I went to a "medical spa," because I didn't understand exactly what that was, just that they could put some filler in my scar. The woman doing the filler was a monster. She refused to do filler in my scar, put me in front of a mirror and just generally tore down my appearance, point by point, to upsell me Botox, which I did not want and frankly did not need. I told her I was scared of it, and I didn't want to do it, and she continued to verbally lambast me. At the time, my husband (now ex, huzzah) was cheating on me and my confidence was close to zero. I was already feeling terrible, and my self-esteem was in the trash. So finally I caved. I don't whether it was her error with a needle hitting a vein, or if it was expired stuff, or it wasn't diluted properly - but I ended up with a case of iotrogenic botulism. The only reason I knew how to deal wiith it was I found a FB group online of other women who'd been poisoned by Botox or fillers, and they walked me through how to get better. I lost 12 lbs because I was too sick to eat, had painful (and embarassing) muscle spasms in my face, and that's just for starters. It took more than a year to get back to normal, though the poisoning permanently elevated my eye pressure (I searched medical literature and discovered that botulism toxin can, indeed, do this and that it's been documented). Posts like this help people to push back against this kind of emotional/physical abuse, and to build up what I lacked at the time - an emotional immune system and defenses against people that I feel are, frankly, kind of brainwashed. It is about the money, but reading your post, it occurs to me for the first time that it's also a sort of cult??
Honestly that eyebrow, I don't understand what it's doing and where it came from haha!
I'm so sorry that happened to you. How are you doing now? And I do think people take injectables way too lightly - it's why I HATE the term 'tweakment' it doesn't take into account the mental and health impacts you've spoken about.
There are definitely cult-like aspects to beauty standards; they're a method of control after all if we don't use them, they'll use us. Which is why i'm trying to get into the mindset of the former, and get ahead on things a bit.
Also hate how that woman treated you - did you complain? Or get your money back (at the VERY least.)
xx
Eyebrows definitely have their own ideas about what they should be doing! They're little anarchists, for sure. : )
I hated that you had this happen to you, too, and was SO relieved you pushed back. Just that torrent of verbal abuse is something a person should not have to put up with. As for fillers - everyone is different, and a lot of people don't know if they are allergic to filler till they get it, and then end up really ill. "Tweakment," is an abomination of a word, yes. It makes it sound like it's medicinal or a "wellness" treatment.
As for that awful woman - I complained mightily. I reported them to the Better Business Bureau, filed an adverse reaction report with the FDA and with Allergan, and left the medspa a terrible review on Yelp. Which honestly had the most impact - it's still there, because they don't have the power to take it down. They were so angry, they emailed and called me for almost a year, trying to force me to remove it. I stood my ground. I wanted to let people know there might be consequences, and to at least think through the decision before they made it, rather than just blithely getting on the Botox-go-round.
I love your Substack! I'm so glad I found it. Thanks for the brilliant work you're doing.
Literally have sat down and written my ‘ageing’ plan out thank you totally loved this ❤️
Ah I'm so glad Zahra!! Did anything on your plan surprise you? xx
Extraordinary! Ageist beauty standards are misogynistic and harmful to mental health!
Do not give in to it 💐
Thanks Catherine - they really are! xx
Love this. I hope you stick with it 💪🏽 The thing is once one or both your parents start getting ill/dying, your friends start getting divorced/going through a mid life crisis and the menopause kicks in your face is the least of your worries. You realise what’s actually important in life and anyone or anything telling you you need to look younger can just do one!
Ah absolutely. Defo starting to feel that and i'm prioritising what really matters to keep me in good stead during all of the above! xx
Thank you 🙏
Great read!
Love your aging plan 💕
Ah I'm so glad! Would you ever do your own? xx
Mine is constantly evolving.
In my 6th decade I have fully embraced my grey hair - so much easier 😂
I call it my 3rd Act - I want to share my knowledge and insights and help people Thrive - as we move into the Future.
Ah amazing! I love that ❤️❤️
Loved this post. I think about aging and wellness all the time - thanks for sharing your thoughts on it!
Ah thanks love! It's such a minefield and takes up way too much of my brain space, so this has defo helped! xx
I’m silently raging against that doctor and anyone who would behave in such a way towards you. I understand beauty is important to humans (anthropologically) but we pride ourselves on being so evolved in so many areas, yet we have not yet learned that it really isn’t that important. Anyone looked at what else is going on in the world!?
Your plan is fabulous and I’m going to do one. I thought turning 40 was the beginning of the inner revolution but it’s turned out that 45 has been eye-opening, even to me and I’m in my own head! I look in the mirror and I know I look older (& maybe just old!) but I just can’t move past my anger that we are all under so much pressure. Who are we trying to please?! Those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter as Dr Seuss so gloriously said.
I’ve started growing out the 20+ years of blonde tips to embrace the ‘ash’ and unicorn (silver) hairs (my word for them). I’m tired of the upkeep and I just don’t like to go to the hairdresser.
I’ve started doing yoga and am so much more flexible and mobile. I can’t wait until someone mentions I’ve ’let myself go’ because my blonde is gone but I bend over and plant my palms flat on the ground because I’m now so flexible!
I’m trying to embrace the deep lines in my forehead and around my eyes. I’m expressive and laugh a lot and they tell so much of my story.
Please follow up with how you go over time!
Beautiful and informative piece , I can’t wait to read about your new plan , my name suggestion is The Golden Years 😊 inspired by the ladies I’ve been watching on the American dating show The Golden Bachelor. I really recommend the show , all the ladies are over 60 and are so incredible. It’s like no other reality show I’ve seen before because it’s just so much more authentic , at that age we no longer give a F**** and I look forward to that.
My brain was hurting with that Bella Hadid chart well because I didn’t understand it and maybe I just refuse to make an attempt at getting it. Something did come to my mind though, Bella did say in an interview that she wished she had not gotten a nose job at the age of 14 because she wished she had kept the nose of her ancestors. She did have regrets around it and it’s understandable, our noses are such a distinct part of our faces (they stand out) and they tell a story of where we come from. Holding that history is a special thing. Even thought with my nose , it’s a complicated emotion because I have the nose of our colonizers 😆😭 I am Colombian , and have mixed ancestry, but yeah that’s a topic for a future post of my.
I am saving this article to reference the beautiful journal prompts later , thank you for writing this !!
Ah yes! I have something coming up on the ancestral nose thing ;) it’s a big thing in Indian culture and is super sad.
Will see finitely be watched the golden batchelor tonight - that sounds epic!!!
Xx
I look forward to that piece. And I hope you do watch the show , would love your take on it !