Do you need an 'ageing plan?'

In our youth-obsessed world, I think having one is increasingly necessary...

Photo by Danie Franco on Unsplash

A year ago I went to stay an incredible wellness facility in Europe for work. I’d never seen anything like it; the care was exemplary and the medical professionals top rate. I stayed for a week and my itinerary involved seeing a variety of specialists for a health MOT, and one was an aesthetic doctor.

I walked into his practice room and we had a brief chat about his experience, general aesthetic trends and then he asked what ‘tweakment’ I wanted, botox or filler, because one was included in my stay. I told him I didn’t want anything and that I just popped in to meet him for a quick chat, but this was something he’d obviously not encountered before. His face changed from agreeable to confused. My ‘no thanks’ should have been enough, but I explained that I’d tried filler several years ago but struggled when it started to wear off; I ended up being unhappier and more distressed about my appearance than I had been before the ‘tweak’. He glossed over this as if my mental health had no bearing on the decision: “But you have volume loss here and here from ageing, if I just added some filler here you’d look so much better…and younger.” 

Again, I offered a polite but firm (and inwardly furious) no thanks, as his face morphed from confused to thinly veiled outrage. He informed me that people flew in from all over the world to see him and experience his cutting edge tweakment methods. I tried to appear suitably impressed, but that failed and I was now a challenge to him and my resolve was an obstacle to be overcome. He asked me to stand in front of a mirror and without any kind of consent began pointing out the areas of my face that he felt needed ‘balancing.’ That’s a code word aesthetic doctors use to make everyone fit a generic facial blueprint, often informed by the golden ratio theory (which, just FYI, I debunk in UGLY: Giving Us Back Our Beauty Standards.) As a last attempt to break me, he said: “Can you see how your nose isn’t straight? That means your profile is unbalanced. You need filler in your chin to even out your profile.”

The Golden Ratio method, applied to Bella Hadid’s face - via aesthetics.

I left the room feeling shocked at his lack of care for my mental wellbeing and feeling furious on behalf of those he was treating that might not be in the headspace to put up a fight like I had. But despite my anger, I simultaneously added ‘crap chin’, ‘old’ and ‘ugly profile’ into my backpack of self loathing, the one we all carry around that seems to get heavier and heavier as societal beauty pressures become more extreme, and also as we age. Each time I passed a mirror in the weeks after that trip, I’d stop and try to look at my profile as my inner monologue questioned: ‘Maybe he was right - should be actively trying to look younger?’

A year later I’ve mostly forgotten about my disagreeable chin and unbalanced profile, but I’ve not forgotten that experience because it wasn’t a one off. I’ve had numerous unsolicited opinions on how to ‘fix’ my face by aesthetic doctors since my late 20s. As part of my job as a  beauty journalist I am assailed by emails, press releases, social media and invites from the beauty, aesthetics and cosmetic surgery industries that feel like a rapid-fire of the above interaction; each one reveals a new issue that I didn’t think I needed to worry about. A new way to look at my face, find it lacking. My inbox is a hub of skincare releases promising a youthful glow, supplements claiming they’ll turn back the clock, and the newest superfoods to ward off ageing - all dressed up in the guise of ‘self improvement’. But all of them have the same through line: old is bad. Ageing should be resisted. Looking old is failure - your failure. 

Old, but happy. Okinawa in Japan is known as a ‘blue zone’ due to it’s inhabitants having a long life expectancy, which they put down to seeing their best friends (or Moai) every day.

Those experiences above might be specific to my life, but think about how many subconscious messages a day you receive about how ageing backwards should be your goal. The packaging on our skincare offers the promise of youth (also known as ‘glow’), adverts we flick though on social media celebrate youthful looks as a beauty ideal, friends complaining about laughter lines over dinner gives us second hand anxiety about our faces. The smoothie we might pick up at a shop contains collagen, aimed at keeping us looking younger, for longer. Even our takeaway and film nights consistently show us young women paired with much older male romantic leads. The message that ‘old is ugly’ or that we should strive to look as youthful as possible (without looking like we’ve tried, naturally) is hard not to take in. And the challenge of not internalising this messaging and then acting on it, is harder still. 

This looks like a gameshow from hell…

The experience I had at that clinic made me realise that in order to not be completely floored by opening my emails, or just looking on social media (or actually, just being a woman in our ageist, sexist, capitalist society) made me realise how much I needed to create a shield from it’s crushing impact. I don’t want to feel disempowered about my appearance, I don’t want to feel like I'm ‘fighting a losing battle’ with my face or ageing, I want to see my increased knowledge and experience reflected in my levels of happiness as I get older. I want to fall more and more in love with myself.

So, I created my own ‘ageing plan’ which I realise is a terrible name (so do feel free to suggest alternatives!) But the point is to have a reference - a physical list - where I decide for myself, how I want to age. Of course, external and internal factors affect this that we have no control over; illness, economic changes and the many complexities of life. But having a set of guidelines that I design for myself about how I want to feel and look as I get older, I think comes from a far more autonomous place. I wanted it to be an anchor when faced with the onslaught of ‘win the battle with ageing’ rhetoric that is woven throughout our culture.

I know that in life generally, if I’m prepared for something to happen and I’ve had time to consider it, then when it does happen, it takes me less by surprise and I make a better choice. I’m less likely to make an impulsive youth-promising purchase or outsource my self esteem to a ‘jar of hope’. I’m far less likely to be pushed into ‘tweaking’ something, whether coerced by a ‘doctor’ or not. I’m not anti-tweakments by the way, but I am anti the way the aesthetic industry sells them to us flippantly without due care for patients mental health, and that marketing tactics like ‘preventative botox’ have now become a right of passage over the age of 25.

I’ll be 40 in January which I do honestly have mixed feelings about mostly because of how society treats women over 40 (especially unmarried, single ones) and I’ve seen first-hand how the industries I work within - beauty, wellness, media, fashion- largely ignore or shame them too. Those industries actively benefit from us feeling like getting older and looking our age is something to be fixed, like a broken leg. But in the heat of a moment, faced with a comparison-triggering social media picture, J-Lo’s claims of just using olive oil to stay youthful looking or a mean-spirited comment from somebody, it’s hard to not walk into the nearest clinic and demand whatever face lift Kate Moss has reportedly had.

I forget there was an actual product called ‘Hope, in a jar.’

For me, having this roadmap has alleviated is that hamster wheel in our minds repeating the same stories about getting older, and how we look. It’s likely that my ‘ageing plan’ will change as I get older and it’s worth checking in on it yearly too. But making some considered decisions and having them as tangible reference points has helped me stay true to how I want to age… and importantly, pinpointed the influences I want to avoid. As much as I loved that clinic, I never want to be made to feel like that again; or for anyone else to either.

This is my ageing plan….
DATE/ 24/11/23

- I want my skin to look nice, but I don’t want anything that requires regular topping up like injectables like filler or botox. I might look into lasers and ultrasound technologies at some point, but what’s key for me is that there’s no ‘upkeep’ because I don’t want that - or anything else - added to my ‘beauty admin’ load as I’m actively trying to reduce this.
ACTION: Take this ‘decision’ off my mental load and free up that space to think about trips I want to take next year and puppies. Always puppies.

- I like having facials. The physical touch is nice and they do make a difference to my skin, especially when the seasons change. They’re also a chance to reset my skincare routine and see where I’m overcomplicating things, so I’m going to prioritise them at a clinic that is reputable and doesn’t try to upsell me.
ACTION: I’ll plan those in quarterly and budget for them too. 

-I’m starting to get some grey hairs (including one in my eyebrow, the little f*cker), but for now, I do want to keep it black and blonde. So I’ll dye it whenever I feel like it, but won’t stress about it when those greys are visible - I’ve earned them, it’s been an intense couple of years (plus when I go all grey I’m absolutely dying it all green.) 
ACTION: Stick a Post It Note on my dressing table to remind myself that going grey is totally natural, not to be feared and that when the time comes, I can also have fun with it.

-I can’t quite get away with 4 hours sleep the way I did in my 20s, and a) be good at work, b) have that show on my face, so I accept that and take it as a sign to prioritise sleep as an act of self care. I don’t need any more gadgets though, or tear-trough filler - I just need to actually sleep more.
ACTION : Get a stack of books that I want to read which will make me want to go to bed, rather than watching hours of MAFSUK.

-I don’t want to lose my sense of identity, or be pigeonholed into dressing a certain way as I get older. So I’ll resist being swayed by peers, trends and ageist fashion rules, and just wear what really speaks to me.
ACTION: To feel inspired I’ll follow loads of inspirational women 40+ who dress in a really authentic way.

- I want to feel healthy, strong, mentally resilient, calm, give increasingly less f*cks and have a lot of fun along the way. I want to start taking time away from my devices, and to really cultivate a far more mindful way of living. And I don’t want to burn out again, ever - two years of this is MORE than enough.
ACTION: Start putting this into practice, now.

So that’s my plan. I’ll likely add and refine this, it’s just a start. If any of this resonated and you want to create your own, and if so, I’ve added a few journal prompts below that might help you get some clarity on how your plan could look and what it might feature.

Love to know your thoughts on this…would you do one?

GET CLARITY
Write down what comes to mind immediately to the questions below.

Who are you ageing ‘goals’?
Who do you think has nailed it when it comes to growing older?  Do you like their zero f*cks attitude, or that they have had ‘things’ done, but still look like themselves? Maybe you like that they haven’t had any cosmetic work done? Pick your top 3 people, and look for any commonalities - the answers should be revealing.

How do you really want to age?
Forget about society, work, family, spouses et al. Think about how you want to age - the people you pick above might give you a heads up. Do you want to try to freeze time at any risk or cost? Do you want to be minimally invasive about it? How much do you want to spend monthly or yearly on this?

What is most important to you as you age?
List what you think will be most valuable to you as you age. Is it comfort, family, peace, experiences, happiness, community? Where does your appearance fit into that if you put them in order of importance?