Is 'self care culture' becoming bad for us?
Having breath work, cold dips and mindfulness levelled at me by the internet is starting to wear me out...
I’ve had a gut full of self care at the moment. Not the actual self care itself, but rather the way it’s being sold to us everywhere as the answer to all of life’s problems.
My fury might stem from the sheer hordes of (usually white, usually male) podcasters intent on giving us their ‘science backed’ healthy self care hacks to a better life. Perhaps I'm angry because the beauty and wellness industries shamelessly sell everything from cosmetic injectables through to lipstick as self care, when they're not. Or maybe self care is infuriating me because I still have a f*ck tonne of egg freezing hormones raging through my body….who knows(!)
I do know that I am truly exhausted from having self care shoved down my throat, because I really struggle to do it. I feel so deeply envious of anyone who enjoys and has mastered self care practices like exercise, being in nature, or sleeping well - because I just can’t seem to contend with them, at least not with the consistency those aforementioned podcasters tell us in unison will ‘get results.’
Perhaps what also f*cks me off isn’t the act of self care itself, it’s how a lack of self care is levelled against us as a moral failing. If we don’t do it we are lazy, or simply not girl bossing hard enough and if we do, we’re ‘that girl’ and are winning at life. During the wellness industry boom in the last decade, self care has become both a personal and moral obligation in our society - something we need to take entire responsibility for ourselves and a way to elevate those who are doing it, and show us they’re doing it for ‘inspiration.’ But the self care agenda has, I think, become disproportionately harmful to those who aren’t physically, mentally and economically able to have the vigorous self care routine we’re expected to.
In her 1988 essay collection A Burst of Light, the self described “black, lesbian, mother, warrior, poet,” Audre Lorde, wrote about self care whilst also fighting cancer. She said: “I had to examine, in my dreams as well as in my immune-function tests, the devastating effects of overextension. Overextending myself is not stretching myself. I had to accept how difficult it is to monitor the difference. Necessary for me as cutting down on sugar. Crucial. Physically. Psychically. Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”
That last part has always resonated deeply with me. For many that’s what self care really is; to put yourself above your oppressor, in Lorde’s case this was perhaps beating cancer and those systems of oppression she rallied against. Going back to that quote really made me realise that if I stand a fighting chance of getting to a good place with self care, I need to work out why I find it so hard, and give myself a reason - above posting about it on social media - as to why I should be doing it.
One of the reasons I struggle with self care is having ADHD. I don’t write about being neurodivergent very often, but there is an unacknowledged physical and mental toll to living in a world that essentially isn’t designed for your brain. Even the smallest things require more mental energy, or “spoons”. The spoon theory (above) is a metaphor for how much energy we have to give each day, essentially (although it also makes me think of creepy noughties character Salad Fingers.) For example, a neurotypical person brushing their teeth might use 1 spoon. But with ADHD it’s more like 3 spoons because you’re easily distracted and teeth brushing is boring af so you give up halfway, you might actually forget to do it, or may have misplaced your toothbrush, is not charged it. That’s a fair bit to get through before you arrive at that sparkling fresh minty fresh smile moment. And, of course, all of this is likely happening whilst your brain is giving you a mental recap of everything you need to do that day, every embarrassing thing you’ve done in your life and what’s for lunch - all at the same time.
I’ve spent years beating myself up, with self care as my weapon, trying to do selfie-worthy baths, attempting to do yoga daily or juicing each morning because we are told this is what’s good for us. But I’ve realised that for a lot of people, self care is more basic and fundamental than all of this, and it’s those things that slide when you aren't feeling great; like getting dressed, showering, eating or going outside. Although some of my self care issues stem from ADHD-related executive function struggles, it's not just that. I’ve seen the women in my family put themselves at the end of their to-do list almost constantly, and it’s something I’ve witnessed in wider South Asian culture too. South Asian women are often conditioned to prioritise everyone else around them - their parents, children, partner, community…maybe even God - and then look after their own needs. If you have any spoons left at all at the end of this, then by now they’re probably dollhouse sized.
Added to this ‘look after others first’ mindset, is that we are here to work. I saw my immigrant parents do long gruelling hours imbued with the narrative that ‘we’ have to work harder than the people who were born here to prove ourselves. The sad reality is that there’s an element of truth to that; if you’re from an immigrant background or heritage there could be conscious and unconscious bias influencing those doing the hiring. On top of that, we’re often expected to work harder too; as one of the directors at a publishing house I worked at once said: “I always hire Asians because they work hard and never complain.” And, I’m guilty of that myself. So how, pray tell, will an ice bath help to mitigate the pressure of systemic racism?
The mainstream narrative about self care isn’t anywhere near inclusive enough and definitely doesn't support those who can’t afford gym memberships, who work multiple jobs or struggle with a system rigged to uplift some and degenerate others. But on a personal level, I’ll never relate to those podcast gurus and their advice, because it’s just not my reality. Self care is important - and of course, these are just the issues I face and plenty have it far worse - but I think it’s crucial that we redefine what self care means for us individually, rather than being sold a relaxing scented candle or being told that a podcast episode will fix all our problems.
Here’s a few of the self care practices I’m trying to get better at…and I’d love to know your list too…maybe we can share ideas and get some collective inspiration.
Trying to sleep more
I find sleep incredibly boring, and helpfully, my ADHD brain gets a surge of cortisol in the evenings which means it then comes up with all the things I need to do and the solutions. My reluctance to sleep is also fuelled by feeling like I don’t have enough downtime in my day, and there’s actually a name for this behaviour, it’s called Revenge Bedtime Procrastination. I need to be put to bed like a small child, except I live on my own so there are no rules or enforcers, so my Alexa tells me to go to bed repeatedly from 9.30pm-10.30pm, and sometimes sure, I ignore her. But sometimes I listen too.
Cultivating more boundaries
I thought I was quite good at this, but in reality I never leave events or parties when I should or want to. And my email inbox ends up becoming my to do list because I don’t want to ignore people, but that means my actual to do list doesn’t get done. I’ve also been guilty of letting people take up space in my life who don’t deserve to be here, so maybe, just maybe if I ditch some of this, then I'll have time for that cold plunge or a sound bath after all? Either way, I’m trying to look at where my boundaries need tightening, with myself and with others.
Slowing down the hell down….
I do everything at breakneck speed; writing, walking, cooking, thinking, speaking. But if I slowed down and was more present I might enjoy some of these things more, instead of being the least mindful person alive. Part of this speed is about making sure I get through the 97 things on my to-do list every day, so I’m trying to be more realistic by just picking 3 instead. I’ll let you know when I’ve nailed this one; as I type this I’m eating lunch, on a Zoom call and mentally working out my tax bill, so it’s a work in progress….
Much love and Eastery self care…
PS: My book UGLY is available for pre-oder in paperback in the UK and commonwealth, and is available May 9th! Please do check it out!
Revenge procrastination reading this. Totally worth it. Thank you 😬
OMG thank you for writing this!! I could relate to so much of what you said on a deep level. Spoon theory has been a game-changer for me, too, as I live with chronic illness/pain. There aren't enough inclusive and realistic conversations around what self-care means, so I appreciate you immensely for sharing these perspectives.