When will dating shows stop using fat people as bait?

I’ve just gone all in on Season 9 of Married At First Sight UK, and I'm sick of the archaic beauty standards...

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The 2024 MAFSUK cast

Reality TV deals with body size and fatness in a particularly galling way. But there's added nuance to the discussion when dating shows approach the topic, particularly when the contestants don’t know what the other looks like.

The most recent series of Married At First Sight UK, is currently airing in the UK, and the premise for those who have better taste in TV that I do (pretty much everyone…) is that ‘experts’ match the couples based on their wants and compatibility and they get hitched without seeing each other. This season two male participants vocalised a strong preferred type for petite, brunette women. Shock horror, both were paired with women who didn’t fit this narrow remit - one redhead, one blonde, both mid sized.

Was it an accident? Or a coincidence this happened. Nay, this was done for the storyline, to create drama and a struggle to ‘overcome’ - and we get to watch it unfold. The day after Casper and Emma (the blonde ‘curvy’ woman) are married she reflects on her wedding day: "He struggled so much to say that I looked beautiful last night, but actually I felt good. And I asked him, like, am I attractive? And he struggled to say yes. I'm a size 14. I'm not f*****g monster." 

Casper and Emma, MAFSUK

Let's put aside for a moment the inference that being over a 14 or plus size, would make you a monster (I don’t think she meant that…) to remind ourselves that Emma and the other curvy bride Polly haven’t been matched equally like their straight sized counterparts. Everyone else seems fairly pleased with their matches, they got what they asked for. But Polly and Emma are being used as entertainment and as a ‘teachable moment’ that attraction is deeper than our appearance, purely for being in a larger body.

Anyone who doesn’t fit the beauty and body standard has likely been rebuffed for their appearance, called names or has been made to feel unloveable for it - I know I have. Society puts anyone in a larger body through enough appearance shaming from an early age, so that often we end up developing our self esteem in spite of how we look. To then put these women through love matches who are wholly unsuitable for them, feels deeply, deeply manipulative.   

Polly, Adam and Adam’s awful haircut, MAFSUK 2024

There are two ways the narratives could play out. The men could overcome their ‘type’ and fall for the ‘curvy’ girls because of their personality - ‘love triumphs over all’ after all (or so we’re told.) That makes for feel-good TV gold. But if that doesn’t happen and the women fail to ‘fix’ these men in their shallow ways, that infers that they weren’t loveable enough and the blame is put on them. It’s 2024, we’re in a post body positive era, and yet dating shows are still peddling the narrative that if you’re not thin, you have to work harder to be loved. Worse still, you have to lower your standards to settle for men who don’t find you attractive.

These women seem to have healthy self-esteem going into the show, but the repeated toll of having to try and make somebody be attracted to you, when they’re obviously not, is both demoralising, and demeaning - and sets up a narrative of desperation, that isn’t demanded of the participants in slimmer bodies. That does mirror some of society's worst views; there’s a palpable disdain seeing confident fat people on TV, it jars with everything we’ve been told and sold about beauty standards. 

The Biggest Loser, a US Tv show

After all, we’re used to seeing bigger bodies mocked in shows like The Biggest Loser or Supersize vs Superskinny - and even if the contestants are the national average size - like these women are - there’s always an acknowledgement of them being bigger. On US dating show Love Is Blind, their only mid-sized contestant Alexa says in her introduction: “I’m curvy; I’m not for everybody,” as she says she could also “stand to lose some weight.” Though she found a husband who is besotted with her, there’s still a huge assumption about the desired type. But we never see it challenged or even better, to just be a person, without having size factor into the discussion.

Maybe this has jarred so much with me because I’m part of this world as I’m dating and also have - until recently, always ensured I have full body shots that aren’t ‘flattering’ so people know I’m mid size. I’ve often added to my bio; ‘curvy, plus size’ just so it’s extra clear to avoid any rejection that could come my way. The one time it happened was when I refused a date with somebody, and his retort was outrage; ‘you’re a fat bitch anyway.’   

I’ve recently taken those details off my dating profile in an act of self appreciation, but that apprehension around size is hard to fully shake off. Last year I pointed out a hot viking-esque guy at a club and my friend bounded over to see if he was keen - sadly frens, he was not. 

That’s fine, I wasn’t bothered in the first place, I just wanted to be with my pals. But as a mid size - who has also been a plus size person - my gut reaction both before the gamble and after, was it’s because of my size. Add the extra layer of race on top of that - which might be age, disability or any other intersections - and in so many settings I feel like I have to wait for somebody to find my kind of beauty attractive, or to have ‘done the work’ to overcome their ‘types’ to include more people. And I don’t want to be a fetish either - desired solely for being bigger or South Asian. Either way, it feels like it whittles down the chances of a wing-woman situation or any kind of blind date type situation going my way. That’s also why I'd seldom approach people in real life too; my mind says: 'what if they just like white girls, or thin women, or, both?’ 

Brennan and Alexa, Love Is Blind US...

Maybe Vanessa Lachey, the co-host of Love is Blind, was right when she said that fat people were too “insecure” to come to castings, which is why the show rarely has anyone in a larger body. But maybe the lack of attendance is due to knowing that your size will become your main storyline, and that you’ll end up apologising is what really puts people off. Especially when the ‘voice of reason’ camp will inevitably pipe up declaring that your inclusion and very existence is responsible for promoting obesity. On Love Is Blind UK, a recent contestant called Sam starts to panic when he tells his bride Nicole that he can't wait to see her and pick her up. She replies by saying she’s not sure he’ll be able to (she’s tiny, btw, even the slimmest of people have internalised fat phobia.) And he predictably freaks out. 

I’d love - just for once - to see a more varied selection of bodies on dating shows that don’t come with the tired and outdated narratives around body size, because it keeps perpetuating the archaic narrative that there’s only one way to be beautiful, confident, desirable and loveable. Because just looking around us, it’s evident that this couldn’t be further from the truth.

Love, love and more love…

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