This was really thought provoking. As a middle aged, mid sized woman in the dating world, I feel so much of what you have said here. With maturity, I’ve started unpacking the societal programming we are all subject to, it is really putting me off the prospect of even looking to date recently.
I don’t really watch TV and try to engage with body positive content online. I possibly live in a little bubble in some ways. Recently though, something has been penetrating even my idealistic little corner of life and possibly because I follow a lot of political commentary. It feels as if there is some sort of entitlement for men in certain corners of society to use an unfiltered voice when discussing what they feel is and is not acceptable in how women look and behave. After a period of evolution around inclusivity, it feels like a backlash to a much bigger issue around gender roles and equality. And people such as Andrew Tate and indeed former President Trump are normalising this sort of narrative and I can’t help thinking it is seeping into the world of dating and societal acceptance, probably actually a tale as old as time.
At the moment I feel done with it. Dating I mean. But then I’m an older woman too that has had the luxury of marriage and children (albeit a rather controlling marriage).
It feels like a minefield right now for the young.
Hopefully this is a classic case of bringing something that needs to evolve into the light in order for that to happen.
Hey Rachel! Thanks for your comment! But sorry to hear you've been put off dating by the beauty narratives at the moment.
I know what you mean; I've found myself watching reality TV and thinking 'wow is this what's expected now?' in terms of size/cosmetic surgery etc etc. But what I would say is that I think it's mostly affecting Gen Z, younger generations (which is rubbish for them) and I think because we grew up without social media/the internet, that the people we may date (I'm 40) have more of a balanced view on these things. But you're right - with every move towards inclusivity and equality, there's always a patriarchal backlash.
I have had to watch Love Is Blind UK for work (I don’t watch reality TV, mostly as I am too busy watching instagram reels) and after reading your great piece am thinking about it and how all but one of the women were ultra thin and the ‘bigger’ one was a body builder. There wasn’t even a mid sized women on it.
Also despite more men being overweight than women in the U.K. now there’s not any overweight men on these things although they are different heights and shapes.
It seems that only women are ‘teachable moments’ and ‘story arcs’
Yes I noticed that there's never overweight men - my heart breaks for the two women on MAFS, you can feel their self esteem being destroyed each week - might be worth a watch to see what you think! I'd be curious to know!
What do you do btw? Being paid to watch dating shows is my dream job, haha xx
So much this. I’m a 14/16 and about to be 51. All my (several years) experience on dating apps so far has taught me that any men in a similar age bracket (or much older) than me are not only looking for ‘petite’ or ‘physically fit’ women (no matter their own physical appearance / fitness), but also much younger than they are. They also don’t like me wearing red lipstick, and have vocalised this as being ‘a bit much’, or saying that ‘it doesn’t suit you’ on several occasions. Heh. (I have consequently gone out and purchased even more red lipsticks, because fuck that). It’s all rather dispiriting, and currently I feel like the most unattractive pariah in the world. And I am also furious with myself for wanting validation!
Anyway, brilliantly written piece, as usual, Anita.
This was really thought provoking. As a middle aged, mid sized woman in the dating world, I feel so much of what you have said here. With maturity, I’ve started unpacking the societal programming we are all subject to, it is really putting me off the prospect of even looking to date recently.
I don’t really watch TV and try to engage with body positive content online. I possibly live in a little bubble in some ways. Recently though, something has been penetrating even my idealistic little corner of life and possibly because I follow a lot of political commentary. It feels as if there is some sort of entitlement for men in certain corners of society to use an unfiltered voice when discussing what they feel is and is not acceptable in how women look and behave. After a period of evolution around inclusivity, it feels like a backlash to a much bigger issue around gender roles and equality. And people such as Andrew Tate and indeed former President Trump are normalising this sort of narrative and I can’t help thinking it is seeping into the world of dating and societal acceptance, probably actually a tale as old as time.
At the moment I feel done with it. Dating I mean. But then I’m an older woman too that has had the luxury of marriage and children (albeit a rather controlling marriage).
It feels like a minefield right now for the young.
Hopefully this is a classic case of bringing something that needs to evolve into the light in order for that to happen.
Thanks for this interesting read x
Hey Rachel! Thanks for your comment! But sorry to hear you've been put off dating by the beauty narratives at the moment.
I know what you mean; I've found myself watching reality TV and thinking 'wow is this what's expected now?' in terms of size/cosmetic surgery etc etc. But what I would say is that I think it's mostly affecting Gen Z, younger generations (which is rubbish for them) and I think because we grew up without social media/the internet, that the people we may date (I'm 40) have more of a balanced view on these things. But you're right - with every move towards inclusivity and equality, there's always a patriarchal backlash.
xx
I have had to watch Love Is Blind UK for work (I don’t watch reality TV, mostly as I am too busy watching instagram reels) and after reading your great piece am thinking about it and how all but one of the women were ultra thin and the ‘bigger’ one was a body builder. There wasn’t even a mid sized women on it.
Also despite more men being overweight than women in the U.K. now there’s not any overweight men on these things although they are different heights and shapes.
It seems that only women are ‘teachable moments’ and ‘story arcs’
Yes I noticed that there's never overweight men - my heart breaks for the two women on MAFS, you can feel their self esteem being destroyed each week - might be worth a watch to see what you think! I'd be curious to know!
What do you do btw? Being paid to watch dating shows is my dream job, haha xx
So much this. I’m a 14/16 and about to be 51. All my (several years) experience on dating apps so far has taught me that any men in a similar age bracket (or much older) than me are not only looking for ‘petite’ or ‘physically fit’ women (no matter their own physical appearance / fitness), but also much younger than they are. They also don’t like me wearing red lipstick, and have vocalised this as being ‘a bit much’, or saying that ‘it doesn’t suit you’ on several occasions. Heh. (I have consequently gone out and purchased even more red lipsticks, because fuck that). It’s all rather dispiriting, and currently I feel like the most unattractive pariah in the world. And I am also furious with myself for wanting validation!
Anyway, brilliantly written piece, as usual, Anita.