What It Feels Like To Turn 40

Beauty Myths And A Few Truths...

I really liked this piece I wrote for the Feb issue of Elle - so wanted to share it with you! You can read the original here too…

By 3am I’d tried to start a fight with a group of 20-year-old lads and was then sick on my myself in the cab so I’m GLAD I’m having fun here.

‘Death is coming.'

I recently texted my friends this message, along with a picture of myself. The cause of my alarm? The discovery of an unwelcome grey hair in my eyebrow. I quickly dialled down my dramatic Leo rising and reminded myself that getting older is a privilege that is not afforded to everyone – but I wonder if this doom surrounding changes in our appearance as we age comes from being sold a ‘fix’ for this natural process, without being allowed the time and headspace to grow into those changes gradually?

Some, although definitely not all, of what we’re told about ageing is true (something, as a beauty journalist for 20 years, I know all too well). There’s no denying that our bodies do start to change. Until a few years ago, my biggest skin issue was overactive sebaceous glands, intent on making my forehead glow like a beacon. Now, at 40, my skin is drier, my expression lines remain and there are those unexpected things like knee wrinkles to contend with.

Getting older is natural, but we’ve been conditioned to ‘battle’ it with every pound we have, from an increasingly young age. At a launch a decade ago, a surgeon gave me some unsolicited advice about where my skin was ageing. I couldn’t unsee what he’d said, so I had lip and tear-trough filler. Before his comments, my love of beauty came from self-expression and creativity, but over the months, as the filler wore off, a psychological landslide approached.

I started to loathe my reflection, and my face felt lacking in a way it hadn’t before. I hated this; I was a plus-sized teen in the toxic age of size zero, who wanted to be so thin I disappeared, and I never wanted to go back to that feeling. I knew I didn’t want to spend the rest of that decade hating my face, so I gritted my teeth and weaned myself off it, realising it wasn’t quite the little ‘tweakment’ it had been pitched as. (I’m not opposed to injectables and cosmetic surgery; but I do believe they need much more regulation.)

My substack on having an Ageing Plan

The way we’re sold anti-ageing regimes can be relentless and unscrupulous. That’s why I created my own ‘ageing plan’: choosing to avoid injectables for the foreseeable future because of the emotional and monetary upkeep. Instead, I’ve found a middle ground in yearly treatments to boost skin-collagen levels, alongside facial acupuncture and lymphatic treatments.

And I focus more on health and fitness; I now use ClassPass, as the novelty of new classes every week works for my ADHD. I want to gain freedom as I get older, not lose it, although I appreciate others might feel differently. For me, it also involves dialling down any influences that make me feel bad about myself: I’ve muted social-media posts that induce beauty anxiety, and filled my feed with inspiring women in their middle years. It has had a colossal impact on my self esteem; I highly recommend it as a strategy.

There are so many parts to ‘evolving’ – my word for getting older – and the best is feeling more confident than ever before. I care less about others’ opinions, and am able to say no in dating, in work, in life. But as women, we’re assailed by ageist messaging at every corner, and keeping that confidence intact is hard. Some days I’m exhausted and the negativity creeps in, but I combat that by surrounding myself, both online and IRL, with inspiring people of all ages. And, crucially, I try not to base my confidence on my appearance.

Turning 40, I was unsure about throwing a party – I wasn’t quite sure what I was celebrating. But now I realise that championing myself and my friends for all our milestones – not just the traditional ones, like marriages, babies and engagements – is crucial. Birthdays, pets, ‘gotcha’ days, new jobs, divorces and even ‘just because’ are excellent reasons to tell a friend they’re amazing, and we should do this more often. We also need to actively reject ‘she looks great for her age’ or ‘hot when she was younger’ to help build a better world.

Researching my book Ugly made me understand how much older women are hidden in society because, being more powerful and more confident, they’re not so easy to coerce. They are less visible on social media and TV, due to ageist algorithms and misogynistic casting.

So if I’ve learnt anything at 40, it’s that we need to actively reject anything and everything that tries to dim our light – and allow ourselves to truly shine.

Much love and happy V day….